The Daily Boost #364
Shift, or support?
The holiday season is an especially good time to practice deep listening.
A hallmark of deep listening is resisting the urge we feel to draw the focus of any conversation back to ourselves—an urge that sociologists call “the shift response.” Example: a friend is telling us how difficult she’s finding the holidays this year due to recent losses she has suffered. We leap in with, “Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Did I ever tell you about how hard the holidays were, the year both my parents died?”
Instead of shifting the focus like this, we can try to practice “the support response.” We do this by stemming the flow of our internal monologue and preventing it from from spilling onto our tongue. By letting people finish their sentences. By not watching like a hawk for something to pounce on. By not imposing our opinions disguised as questions. By waiting. By remaining silent. By thinking with the speaker instead of for them or about them.
Let’s give this a try. Let me know in the comments how it goes.
(My thanks to M. M. Owen, via Aeon.)
The Gentle Nudge
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I know so many people to whom I could send this. Thank you for this important post. What could be more important than offering one another your listening presence and that means not making when we speak always about ourselves. Such a wonderful practice and reminder.
A reminder that I wasn’t even aware of. I have tended to do this very thing, thinking it would be helpful. Too quick to jump in to help. But oh my, it does shift the attention.